almost time

i realized while watching kindergarten cop yesterday that arnold gets to kill people for real now. he did so when he denied tookie clemency. it wasn't like when he shot cullen crisp jr. in the boys locker room of astoria elementary. it was for realsies. today i was watching the end of independence day with sophie, who is seven, and when randy quaid flew his ship into middle of the alien ship causing it to blow up she asked, is he dead? yeah, i said. does he know he is dead? i didnt' know how to answer. he's not dead for reals. it's just the movies. in real life he is still alive. oh, she said. i told her it was supposed to seem real, that that was the whole idea, but it wasn't.

i got $400 from my grandma for graduation. i talked on the phone with her before i got it and she said, i'm sending you some money, live off of it for a while, pay your rent with it. it is sad that in $400 doesn't even cover my rent. and i could probably blow through that $400 in a week if i was being extravagent, but i could easily blow through it in two weeks. in cambodia the average minimum wage for garment factory workers is $40 a month. a month. if i want a good meal and a few drinks i can spend $40 in one day.

january and february are some of my favorite months in la. because it rains and but also because the winter days can be so clear and beautiful, when you can see the mountains and the sky is this blue that you really want to remember.

stay cool, stay cool forever

in six hours i will be done with my last undergrad class. and all we're doing is watching a movie. i'm trying to conjure up what it felt like when i graduated from high school and see if it feels the same. i think everyone was more excited, but then there were just more people that were graduating. there might be others graduating now, but i am friends with only one. plus graduating in december doesn't feel as new and fresh as graduating in may or june. when i graduated from high school i was so unsure of my plans. i wasn't going to college. i had applied to one school, no safeties, and not gotten in, it's the school i'm graduating from now, but regardless. i had the plan of getting on scholarship at edge and if i didn't do that i was going to be left with nothing. i would of had to get a job. so when people asked me, "so what are you doing after high school?" i could only answer, "moving to la." and that is what i did. and i never went back for a summer. i was so much more of a bad ass then. i was just turning eighteen, my best friend was addicted to crystal meth, i was moving to la. now, i'm not a bad ass, but i'm just as unsure about what i'm doing, but back then i was sure even in my unsurety. now, i'm just unsure.