waiting for tara to show up when all i want to do is sleep

i really need to get cable. i find watching tv without cable almost depressing. like the channels i do have seem weak and sad without all those other ones to accompany them. they are deflated versions of themselves. at least that is was it's like in my mind. and i miss tv. i think i am a more boring person now that i don't ever watch tv. i find it harder to relate to people. i find it harder to just be around people. i'm becoming reclusive and awkward.

whenever i tell people that i am moving to maine for the winter they go: maine? in the winter? why? yes. i know it's going to be colder than i can even imagine and yes i know they days will be very short and yes i am figuring on it being slightly miserable. but i've never done anything like this before. something unplanned. i think it will be fun for a while anyway, until the novelty wears off and i am stuck there, miserable and cold. i heard on the radio the other day that once you hit a certain age you stop longing for novel things and all you want in security and sameness. when you are a kid all you want it new things and experiences but once grow up all that seems unappealing and scary. so i guess i'm not grown up yet, thank god, because i still want novelty.

i quit my job. i realized that i really hate retarded people. no. that's not it. i just didn't like the management. i have problems with rules and authority, especially when they seem superfluous. so in a week i will be jobless yet again. big whoop. i think i learned the most from tom, he's psychotic, but medicated, and really likes to talk about big stuff and paying your taxes. tom says that debt messes with your heart and your head. so true tom. i definitely feel like all the debt i have accrued from going to school has messed up my head and my heart. it's like i'm always carrying this invisible sack over my shoulder and it's full of all the money i owe. and it's really heavy and it makes me undesirable. i wish i had a big sack of money i could just hand over. it all seems so unreal sometimes, credit, loans, money. so arbitrary and yet important.

i drank too much last night. i wish i had a funny story to tell about it but i don't . it seemed like when krista and i used to go out stuff happened all the time that was worth writing about, or at least remembering and talking about later. the world seemed like it was waiting to be described. portland doesn't inspire me i guess. it's not odd enough. and there are all these stupid bumper stickers that say keep portland weird. "weird" to them is fucking dreadlocks and birkenstocks and riding your bike everywhere. that's not weird, that is boring hippie shit. there i said, i am not enamored with portland. it's boring.