Livin' in a Hellhole

Hellhouses are these "haunted houses" started by this pastor in the midwest to show young kids what hell is like. They have become huge and the guy sells these kits so that other fanatical christian groups can set up a hellhouse and warn kids about gays, abortion, sex, raves, drugs...anything that resembles fun. So Hollywood felt the need to set up a Hellhouse. They use the same script as any other Hellhouse and on Hollywood Hellhouse's opening night the leader of all the Hellhouses came and checked it out and gave it an A for authenticity. So it is the real deal.

While we were standing in line a fat man warned us of the house's grahpic nature and if we are wearing something nice we probably don't want to stand too close to the front during the abortion scene. We might get blood on a our clothes.

When we first walked into the Hellhouse there where some devil worshippers who started out reading Goosebumps and then Harry Potter, then they were playing Magic, The Gathering. (This is the real script! Young Christians are led through these all the time.) The scene ended with them sacrificing some girl and drinking her blood.

The next scene was the abortion scene. Blood all over the walls, girl screaming in pain, doctor covered in blood, nurse telling the girl to shut up. I had read that in the kit sold for setting up a Hellhouse they teach how to make raw ground beef look like a fetus, so I was interested to see what the doctor was going to pull out of the poor, wayward sinner of a girl. It wasn't ground beef though, it was something plastic, that actually looked like a fetus. I was a little disappointed. I wanted to see how they make ground beef look like a fetus.

In the next scene a girl takes some drugs at a rave and is raped on the dance floor. In the following scene the devil's minions convince her to commit suicide.

In the next scene a boy listening to Marilyn Manson shoots his classmates and his teacher.

In the next scene a homo is dying of AIDS and a girl who took the abortion pill is bleeding internally. The homo dies because he won't accept Jesus because Jesus is the one who made him born gay (made sense to me). The girl accepts Jesus and is carried off by an angel.

Finally we meet the devil, he is played by celebrity that I recognize but cannot remember his name (last week it was David Cross). So Lucifer tells us we are all sinners and that we will all be seeing him in hell. During this speech he said something about gay people going to hell and this gay couple in the front yelled fuck you, I don't think this was scripted, although it was funny. So an angel comes, her name is BJ, and the devil runs away scared. Then we meet Jesus and he tells us that he will save us from sin if we accept him as our Lord and savior.

The Hollywood Hellhouse had this disclaimer that said they weren't making fun of religion, but that they were targeting fundamentalism. I liked this. It is the fundamentalists that give any religion a bad name. Islamic fundamentalist fly planes into buildings, Mormon fundamentalist marry 20 women and kill people and claim it as God's will, Christian fundamentalists beat up gay people. Every religion has them. It is strange how many faiths there are out there and how many different interreptations there are of each one, and how angry everyone gets about which one is right. It seems against what the founders of the differnt religions wanted. I don't think there is any religion (major religion, not some backwoods cult) that actually promotes violence. Most religious figures were pacifists. The Sermon on the Mount preaches loving your neighbor and your enemy, and if someone hits your cheek, turn the other. So from that I will love my enemies, the religous fundementalist, as I love my friends (all of them sinners), and hope I end up in hell. I don't think I'd last in heaven if there aren't any gays or alcohol.


This is such an appropriate entry for a Sunday. I feel like I just gave a little sermon. Amen.

The Hollywood Hellhouse runs up until Halloween. It cost $10 and it is a good idea to make a reservation. You should go, you might see Alan Thicke playing Lucifer. www.hollywoodhellhouse.com