good intentions

i wanted to start writing on this more frequently. i thought that it would help me write everyday, which i have found impossible to do. not that i don't think about it all the time. does that count for anything? constantly writing things in your head. they sound so good. i'm afraid of the transition to paper.

what i have been doing lately is driving around and listening to music. i have this feeling like this isn't how this is supposed to be, things aren't turning out how i wanted them to. i listen to more adventerous over and over again, like it a year and a half ago. one night, driving home from billy and erin's i listened to gold lion over and over until i pulled up to my sister's street. i've also been smoking a lot lately. i also have been going swimming. my skin smells like chlorine and my hair is all dried out.

i spent the last two nights sleeping alone in my new apartment. my first place all to myself. i have so much stuff to surround me that sometimes comforts me and sometimes makes me miss everyone. i find myself leaning against the kitchen counter staring at pitures of my friends. i've tried not to put up pictures of daniel. it's too strange how the last two and a half years of your life can feel like they never happened, you wonder who you were then, like you want to meet yourself at a bar or getting coffee and talk. not to disclose the future, but just to help remind who you've become, what you were like, and how you lived, what was important, because too much has changed in a short period of time and you can't remember.

yesterday morning i was hungover. erin bought me breakfast because i was driving her around. we went to a place that was crowded and we opted to sit at the counter because we were so hungry. the waiter wasn't especially cute. he had a bad hair cut, but nice eyes, and the disposition to match. i don't how else to describe it but say that he clearly had a crush on me. and i felt like i milked it. asked for a cup of fruit (he didn't charge me), chatted about the food. i guess you could say i flirted back, but i feel like i'm a little rusty in that department. as i said goodbye we held each other's gazes for a bit longer than normal, and i felt his eyes on me as i walked away. i'm not interested in him, or even in a relationship, but i think for the first time in my adult life i was part of something that i'd never been a part of. a strange, but meaningless connection. i felt mysterious, and i liked it.