rain in the valley

there were days when i didn't want to know tara. days when i wanted her and our relationship to evaporate like the water on the street once the sun comes out, instantly. like the day in our coldwater apartment, we had gotten a couch and a desk, still no dining room table. i sat at the desk at the computer and she slipped into the front door, eyes wide and excited, smile tense. she had a lizard on her head.

"look, rick got a lizard. isn't it cool."

i looked up and tried to smile, tried not to look scared, tried to act like everything was normal. maybe that was where i went wrong, maybe i should have cared more, or attempted to care more. but now, when we are drunk, tara always tells me what a good friend i am and was and how i was always there. but i never felt like i was. that night she would try to convince me there were bugs under her skin, that i needed to take her to the hospital, but i wouldn't. i avoided her. i did everything in my power to ignore her. but still she gets choked up and says no, this isn't because i am drunk, i love you, you're my best friend.

so the day with the lizard tara said, "touch it." so i reached out my hand, slow, like i was like i was parting the air and i touched the top of the lizards head. it was rough, but it was a rough that you wanted to touch. a rough that felt good against your fingers. and the skin on the bottom of its jaw was soft, so soft compared to the rest of it. soft like i thought i could tear it with my finger tips.

tara disappeared into her room, then, even though i didn't really want to, even though i knew our exchange would be forced, would be like each of us reaching down each other's throats and pulling the words out, i would go knock on her door to ask her something, anything. just to get her talking, just so i could judge her, to make sure she was in the state i thought she was.

she answered the door, everything but the girl's tempramental album on in the back ground and i could hear tracy's low voice pushing out the words, how much of the day can you sit around, and tara was lighting candles. as we stood and talked tara raised her heel to the beat of the music.

"what are you doing tonight?"

"probably go out with rick, maybe to las palmas. you should come."

she always invited me.

"i don't know."

"mmkay." she said waving a match.

"i think i am going to a party with ben." i said walking across her room and lying on her bed. tara always had the softest bed, with expensive sheets and a big down comforter. sleep is very important to me, she'd tell me. the lizard was on her bed. i laid down next to the lizard and i ran my finger tips along its chin. tracy was singing, i don't care, but i do care.

maybe that is how i helped tara, by not doing anything.