six feet under

i woke up at 5 am this morning and when i tried to go back to sleep all i could think about was dropping dead. it wasn't like when you sit there and you just tell yourself over and over again that you are going to die, but it was more like i imagined the scenerios. picking out apples at the grocery store, dancing, sleeping, you're really vulnerable at any moment. i think i have been watching too much six feet under. i put in my ear plugs because i thought maybe all the extra noise was bothering me, but once all the street noise was shut out all i could hear was my heart beating and i just kept on thinking what a fragile organ it is. its always breaking or giving out on us, at anytime, with no notice. you always hear stories about enlarged hearts, or heart attacks at the age of 25. while i was lying there i told myself i would quit smoking. but i only smoke when i drink, so i'll have to quit drinking too. sleep really wasn't an option so i got up and watched more six feet under until i fell back asleep at 8am. i slept until noon. i haven't slept until noon in a really long time.

i tried to write that damn story that tortures me every day but i couldn't. i don't have a starting point. i've started it five times. daniel and i took a walk down wilshire and i told him i felt bad about not having a job. he said to me, you'll have job someday. i think that's what i am afraid of.